Let's talk about envy...

and how can it be helpful to us

I have watched as a lovely friend of mine on Substack has, week on week, made steady, incremental progress. Recently, however, his rising numbers have gone meteoric (we joked that at one point he was sitting on top of Jane Fonda in the ratings!) - not only has he growing followers and subscribers, he has paid subscribers as well! (Substack Holy Grail!). All of it is very deserved; he has worked so hard, and his writing is uniquely his, very humane, heartfelt, and relatable.

The greater part of me is at peace with his success, and I am happy for him.

However, he started on here after me (this part of me feels differently… this part is not so at peace!!)

It is hard not to draw comparisons and find myself lacking. It lands like a thump, when I am feeling wobbled with my own process and progress on here.

It dawned on me that I was feeling pretty damn, envious of his success.

I thought it might help me (and perhaps anyone else reading this) to reflect, in detail, what this actually all means. It is so very easy for us humans to feel envy of others; that pit of the stomach feeling when someone has what we want. Particularly in this age of social media, where we can now compare ourselves to just about anyone! (n.b. it is easy to forget/dismiss that others might envy us). It is also the age of consumerism, with its limitless ‘stuff’ that others have and that we often covet.

But do we stop to consider why are we feeling this? What is the purpose? What is this particular feeling prompting in me? To look under the feeling of envy and into the nuance of what this may mean for us?

Feelings serve a purpose.. they don’t just come out of the blue for no reason.

What is the difference between Envy and Jealousy?

Envy involves 2 people. One has something the other wants; something they envy. It can be an aspect of the person; envying their singing talent for example or something that they own; beach side apartment.

Jealousy involves 3 people. The jealous person fears losing the relationship (or an aspect of the relationship) to a third party.

I asked myself if it was simply about wanting what my friend had? If that was the case, it was easy to make sense of my envy. The envious feelings were making me take notice of an inner process. Perhaps this was a call to action within myself? Maybe I too could rise meteorically? The calling from this particular emotion might be for me to double down and really focus and do all the things on here that I shy away from. My friend is excellent at making good and solid contacts and relationships with others on Substack, and I am sure it has been part of his natural growth… people are drawn to his energy and interest in, and support of, them. He is a generous person to others.

(He very kindly showcased me one time; I had a little flurry of subscribers from that!)

But at the moment, this is not my forte. I haven’t even opened up my Chat yet. I just don’t feel ready. Processing all this within myself I came to the conclusion; realising very quickly, that in fact … I’d be utterly overwhelmed and unprepared for such fast growth. I knew that wouldn’t work for me (even if it did happen - and I’m not saying it’s a given).

Looking deep within myself, it was not difficult to locate my way of doing things on here. What I want is to quietly make mistakes, explore ways of being on here, find out what it all means without too many eyes on me. Without too much expectation or pressure.

So, if I my friend’s journey is not meant for me, what on earth is going on?

Why do I feel envious?

This is where the nuance, the complexity comes in. For me, envy is intricately entwined with feelings of not being good enough, not belonging, feeling excluded, the forgotten and unchosen one. The underlying belief is, ‘if I had what they have I’d feel better about myself’. In my experience, that never goes to plan, because that way of thinking keeps me away from (as opposed to drawing me closer into) my own inner experience and knowing about life. It invites me away from my own unique journey as a human being.

So, I have finally got to the place of understanding my envy as an invitation to dig deep within myself, and truly own what I want from life (and Substack!). To go about this life project, if you like, in my own unique way and, naturally, that looks very different from my friend.

To conclude. Envy is helpful to us. It helps us notice what we might ‘project’ onto others and deny in ourselves. How we can diminish our own capacities, choices and ways of being. It can spur us on to think about the life we want.

I am left feeling very grateful to my friend for inspiring this piece of writing in me, for what I have learnt about myself along the way, and to arrive at being very happy for both of us!

Sarah x Comments always welcome

P.S If you are curious who is the cause of my envy do check out Man With No Name

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