Always expecting the worst?

this is how it was for me...

Full disclosure. In my early(ish) adult life I was a ‘glass half-empty’ type. This was a needed way of being in the world that stemmed from a childhood that required me to be watchful for what (not nice) was coming next. I learnt to expect the worst, and if things turned out ok then that was a welcome surprise!

In my world of work, this is thought of as a ‘defence’. An unconscious mental strategy that allowed me to feel safe; I was expecting the worst, so when it came I was prepared. This defence helped me avoid the dreadful pre-emptive anxiety of not knowing what was coming next and also the shock of something bad happening. I lived in a state of ‘there is always something bad about to happen’.

And there was an odd comfort in that. (the certainty, of ‘bad stuff’ coming, was better than the fear of not knowing)

One might call this a rather negative view of life? And in many ways it was.

Through many life experiences, including personal therapy, I have come to appreciate that my early brain development was impacted (via my environment) to seek out and prioritise negative experiences. This is how my brain built my ‘defensive strategy’. And it worked for me for a while. But this protective way of filtering experience also meant that the ‘good stuff’ got missed, or diminished, or minimised.

When things were actually good in my life, the accompanying feeling was anxiety; what was coming next? I feared relaxing into joy, pleasure, happiness. Positive feelings could induce panic about the unknown ‘bad’. Just having the thought ‘I’m feeling happy’ could create an immediate internal backlash - ‘watch out - keep an eye out for the trouble coming’! In this way, good feelings were never fully allowed to inhabit me; body, mind and soul.

Over many decades I have learnt to allow the ‘not knowing’ what is coming next (could be bad, could be good) and learning to trust myself, my resilience and capacity to manage. That, whatever comes, I can allow it to flow through me, impact and change me. This is the capacity for flexibility in one’s life; the capacity to adapt to changing circumstances. What was important was to build a trusting in myself to cope with life’s ‘ups and downs’. This allowed me to fully ‘be in’ whatever feeling I was experiencing.

So many struggle with this, wanting to keep life predictable and safe, with the ‘bad feelings’ kept at bay.

As I have learnt to understand where this approach was established in me, I have also learnt to trust in myself to tolerate all the many experiences that life may throw at me. I no longer live within a skewed world view of everything is almost certainly bad and that I need to be armoured against.

We airbrush life - we don’t like to think about death, to face trouble, change, turmoil, anxiety face on. We don't like the ‘not knowing’ what might be coming next. So we try to control outcomes.

But life is to be experienced in all its many forms. This is not to say that when bad things happen to us we should accept that as ‘part of life’. We may rail against the unfairness of poverty or discrimination or illness and that is understandable. And when we get angry at the awfulness of the world; seeing atrocities (as we now can 24/7 from any part of the world) it is understandable to be outraged, lose hope and want to give up. These are all rational responses, and they give us a chance to notice the personal impact (awareness) which then allows for choices to be made (what do I need to do? Do I need to act? Do I need to protect myself from so much painful input? for example)

If we try and sugar coat it with positivity then what happens? For me it’s a kind of craziness - to respond to such pain by ignoring it, denying it and trying to make it go away by simply looking on the bright side only!

Part of being a human is the full experience of feeling; the full range of what we can feel and still stay ok. To survive the most painful feelings of loss and sadness it is required of us to let them in; to let them fully inhabit us. Otherwise, they just keep on coming back (often in different forms) until we learn the lesson, and allow life to flow through us fully.

So sometimes, a focus on what is good in our lives is helpful when we have learnt to focus on the negative, the difficult. This is how it has been for me; a rebalancing.

If you have grown up fearing what is ‘around the corner’ it might be time to notice the impact this has on your capacity to really enjoy life in all its unpredictability.

Sarah. Thoughts and comments always welcome x

image: mark-adriane-muS2RraYRuQ-unsplash.jpg